Abby's journal



September 5, 2018


Steve is not in much of a mood to channel...he has completed all the work he can do on his past-life project, except for a great deal of proofreading, which he will parse out for times when he is bored and needs something to do. His feelings of having been Mathew linger, after immersing himself in Mathew's published work for so many weeks. The latter portion was all from the period after I had died--and Mathew's underlying sadness comes through. Steve knows that whatever he did, however he tried to distract himself with travel, and whoever he was with, he was always thinking of me. I reminded Steve, the other day, as we were walking along a public trail viewing the Portland skyline, that I only lived there for about a year (not counting a long convelescence somewhere else). He continued living there for some years--but if he accesses those feeling-memories, there is always sadness underneath them.

Steve was having the interesting thought, today--how much of grief is selfish? Specifically, if he could replace me with a girl who looked very much like me, and who turned out to be kind and caring; if they could establish a similar rapport (all very unlikely, but just suppose)--would that be enough? Would he forget about me, and not need me? In short, would the problem be solved? But, you see, all of that would be selfish, and the way you know, is that there is no concern for me in it; nor is there any concern that I be found again. Just that he can have the experience again.

Steve is thinking, "Isn't this going to be hurtful to some people, who have found another partner?" Well, I am speaking of us, not necessarily of anyone else. This was Steve's thought, this morning. We share; and we try not to hurt anyone; but, we share what we think.

So Steve says, first and foremost, he wouldn't devastate me like that. And secondly, if he found someone who was very similar to me, he wouldn't be content. He would be always trying to make her exactly like me--he would be trying to find me, in her. And ultimately he would fail, as, of course, it wouldn't actually be me.

So why "go there" in the first place? But he did, despite himself, not only after I died, when he was Mathew, but in lifetimes after that, when he couldn't remember who I had been. He only remembered there was someone he had lost, and was looking for...

But had he waited, rather than developing this habit of trying to replace me, perhaps he wouldn't have tried to continue that pattern in his subsequent lifetimes.

The patterns we develop persist. This is a simple concept--but it causes no end of trouble. If we could just understand that patterns we launch in one lifetime, continue on, and continue to build strength, in subsequent lifetimes, we would be much more careful; and we would save ourselves a lot of suffering, in the long run.

Still, ignorance is there; "It must needs be that there are offenses, but woe until those by whom the offenses come."

Which is to say when learning to ride a bicycle, it's a given that you're going to skin your knee a few times, but it still hurts.

I have recently impressed the thought on Steve, that everything he is experiencing, now, has a reason. This seems simple enough--nothing we don't already know. But that isn't expressing all of what I showed him. I showed him that a relationship must be seen in its totality--that it runs in cycles, and that all points in the circle are equally meaningful, and valid. The times you cycle away from each other are just as much the relationship, as the times you cycle close, again. Are you with me so far?

What do you long for, in a relationship, above everything else? Is it the mutual orgasm? Or is it something far deeper? Isn't it that you can gaze into each other's eyes, and mingle your souls together? To know each other without words? To know each other's thoughts, and feelings, without having to say them? To remain inwardly connected, even if you aren't in the same room--or town? And how, do you think, that is developed? By hanging out in the same house together all the time?

And, don't you want to have a deep yearning for each other? For each other's company, such that you are not complete when you are apart; such that you are two halves of one person? I know that's not en vogue right now--but never mind what anybody tells you. Isn't that what you want?

There is only one way to build that kind of yearning--and that, of course, is by being forced apart. By having to be separated. It would not be possible to achieve that sublime experience of yearning for each other--and the fulfillment which gloriously arrives, someday--without experiencing the painful separation, first.

Don't you want to care deeply? Which means, the opposite of taking each other for granted--don't you want to deeply appreciate every facet of your lover's being, and every second spent in his or her presence? There is only one way that is achieved--by having been apart. Likewise, don't you want to tenderly care for him or her, to the point of tending your partner in sickness, if necessary? Don't you want to avoid any mis-step which might hurt his or her heart?

I'm going to tell you something that may shock you--this quality is attained by having hurt your partner terribly, in past lives. The memory of the guilt of that lingers; now, you will do anything to avoid hurting her heart, or his heart, even the slightest bit. That goes to harsh words; it goes to infidelity; it goes to damaging his or her self-confidence, and aspirations.

You will never do these things, because sometime in the dim past, you have already done them, and the memory of it is horrible. You can scarce believe that your loved one can forgive you--but you will never, never hurt them like that, again.

So this period of our being in two different worlds, is part of our relationship. Just as much as the years we get to be physically together, in bodies. It is just different phases in the cycle. And it has this purpose--that when we are together again, and look into each other's eyes, we will already be telepathic. We will already be able to sense each other's souls, because while we won't remember it consciously, we will have done that for years together in the early 21st century, when Steve was on the earth and I was in the astral realm.

So take heart. This is every bit as much your relationship as the part where you were physically together on earth.

Love to each and all,