Abby's journal



August 10, 2018


Steve doesn't feel any particular inspiration, at all. Can we channel under those conditions--something interesting and engaging? He has been copying his past-life letters to a Boston newspaper from New York City most of the day, but he has been talking to me in the interim, as well. He senses I am with him, and that I hear him. That's as much "contact" as we usually have, throughout the day. He has to know that I'm here. Sometimes he feels more of my personality; then, for longer stretches of time, he feels nothing at all. It's not easy for him. I am always deeply touched by the love and faith it takes for him, on earth, to sustain his half of our relationship.

It's possible because we have such a deep rapport, from having been through so much together.

Steve is filled, subconsciously (though I don't like to use that term), with the feeling, the sense, of what it was like to be Mathew in the mid-19th century. He has noticed one thing--that in that lifetime, when he was clear from any other romantic entanglements, I came to him in spirit. In dreams, in felt presence, and in other ways. But when he was married, not so much. I was constrained--it was not my place. Nor, frankly, did I want to experience that feeling of being supplanted. You can call it jealousy, or call it whatever you wish to. I could deal with it by remaining aloof, and by cultivating my close friendships, here. Never more than that. If Mathew, on earth, was blinded to the extent that he tried to replace me, that didn't justify me--knowing better, having clear sight--to retaliate by doing the same, here. So I developed only friendships, here. And I waited.

Here is the thing. Most of us--if we were very close with our earthside partner, if we were jealous-natured, if we were soul-mates--can stand it if our partner chooses someone else after we're gone. We can want it for you, if you are miserably lonely. Because we first and foremost want you to be happy. But we have to get some distance on it. We can't (most of us) stay directly engaged at the same time. We make sure you have happiness, and then we go to our own "space."

But if we remain closely engaged--if we continue the relationship--then it is as if we are with you, because we are with you. Then, we don't want competition, like anyone else in that situation.

We don't mind stray thoughts. Everybody on earth has stray thoughts. Is this interesting to you?--we don't have stray thoughts the way people in bodies have them. Our thoughts are clear, and our minds go where we want them to go. This is people who "have it together" in the astral realm, not the poor sufferers. No, I'm telling Steve, he understands it, but I don't want to go into that, their state and predicament.

But Steve, on earth, as well as he can control his mind still has stray thoughts. He has a disciplined mind. I am very proud of him in this regard.

He is the same person he was when he was Mathew--except that he has exercised certain psychic and mental "muscles," and he is more disciplined in certain respects. More mature.

He was, I would say, delightfully childish, impish, mischievous, and also volatile, when he was Mathew (especially at the young age when we were married). I was the proper one, and he was always making me laugh, as I've told you. But being the mature one, in a marriage, with an immature husband, is not always easy. Now, it is much easier. Matt would joke with the ladies--he didn't have an unfaithful bone in his body, as they say, he would never have really flirted with them, but it made me very nervous. He would insist he wasn't doing anything wrong--and he wasn't, except for the one thing--that he wasn't being thoughtful of my feelings. Of my weaknesses, you see. Because I wasn't secure in my own attractiveness, and I knew these girls were wiley. I didn't trust them, and I knew Matt was gullible. His honesty and his faithfulness protected him, but still. I asked him not to joke with them, and he took umbrage and said he wasn't doing anything wrong, and it hurt me.

He would never do that to me, today. He would look at his behavior, take my part, and say, "You know, I think that would make me feel uncomfortable, too. I don't mean to flirt, but I can see that it would look that way, and we can just solve the whole problem by me not doing it anymore. Would that help?"

Steve knows, now, that it really wouldn't have been very difficult, to make me, the girl he loved so much, feel a great deal more comfortable and happy. And why not?

The same thing went for his associates. I had clear sight, and I could tell when someone wasn't good for Matt; or when he wasn't a good business associate to trust in a partnership. I would tell him, but he would act like it wasn't my place. He would brush it aside--and then get us into trouble.

Now, I am his spirit guide, and he strains to listen for my guidance! It is a happy thing for me, and a happy one for him. I am glad to guide him, and he is grateful to be guided!


Steve says, here is some good advice--never try to boil water for rice and channel at the same time. He has guestimated replacing the boiled-off water in the pot twice, now! Who knows how the rice will turn out...

We went for a walk around the neighborhood, today. These northern streets have the same trees lining them (meaning, the same kinds of trees) as when we were a young couple in love. Steve senses my mind with him, appreciating the trees, flowers, stones, houses, and all right along with him, as he looks at them. He says it's kind of like seeing an excellent photograph, the high he used to get at that moment, except, all the time! As he feels me perceiving it with him. We can do that with music, too. I told Steve this--and you know that the most important message, can sometimes sound very trite when you repeat it. But while you may have always known it, you didn't "get it" at this depth, before.

So I told him, with a very clear thought, "When I died, I found that my mind hadn't died. I was still there."

Let this sink in, a minute. This is literally true. I died, my body was lifeless, and started to get rigid, but my mind was exactly the same. That's who I am--at least who we experience ourselves to be--is our mind. Our body is the thing we see in the mirror. Yes, we have feeling in it--most of the time. Not always--not if your arm goes to sleep, or you have dental work done, or surgery. But most of the time. But you know that thing you pinch and see in the mirror and primp (for us girls) isn't us. The thing that gets wrinkly and grey, when it was so fresh and young once, isn't us. But what is us, is quite alive after the death of the body.

We, most of us, know this. But I wanted to bring it home in a very real way--the most real way possible--to Steve, so he could know it very clearly and strongly. When I died, my mind literally didn't die. I was still there.

And my love for him was still there right along with it.

I was all about heaven, when I was on earth. But once I got here, I realized, I really was all about love. Heaven just makes things a lot easier. But love is sometimes about things being harder! Right? So I did service work; I let my friends help me get through being separated from Matt (and having to see him be used and hurt by other women, imagining they would treat him as I did); I loved my friends when they were troubled about someone special to them suffering, on earth. I loved Matt, when he would let me, and when he could entertain a belief that I could contact him (that belief came and went). I loved him by waiting for him--because my elders explained to me that I had kind of robbed the cradle, spiritually. I had taught Matt, but he wasn't ready--he had to grow into what I had given him. So, as we were bonded in spirit forever, as soul-mates, I waited for him to catch up.

Now, my joy knows no bounds. He is ripened, he is able to love me fully, in return, as an equal spirit. We have work to accomplish, like this, with him as the "man on the ground" and me as the scout on the hill, so to speak. But we are equal partners; and he is just for me, and I am just for him, and we are a team.

I waited a long time for this. Steve will now wait out the rest of his current lifetime, shed that body, and we will be fully together.


Love to each and all,