March 4, 2017
Steve had a funny dream about being ignored in a group to which he ostensibly belongs. They all know each other and he might as well not be there. One fellow--a very nice family man, after all--starts talking about how if you can find several of those light boxes (you know, things are introduced without explanation in dreams), you can string them together to make a very nice panel. Steve opens his mouth to agree and give his opinion, but stops, because he sees no-one is listening...
So he had in mind to get me to talk about this, that when you continue a soul-mate relationship across the Divide, you begin something you can't share with friends, family, or social group. But you know that. You know it, perhaps, all too well. There is little I could add to what you already know except, dears, you are not alone in this.
Our seventh year anniversary is coming up on the 10th of this month! That's more what I'd like to talk about. Now, we do this every year, or, we have done it at least a few times in the past. Our anniversary starts from the day that a psychic medium put me fully in touch with Steve. Up until then, he had hints and signs that I might be trying to contact him; and that I wanted to get back together with him. So do you know the story of The Song? Perhaps some of you do, if you have read our (little) book. But I like to tell it, and if anybody hasn't heard it, this is my excuse.
I could see that there was an energy nexus coming up. This is a little like a comet's orbit bringing it near the earth every 80 years, something like that. We had a chance to connect, you see--if Steve could only recognize it. I have been waiting for him a long time--even by astral standards. By earth standards it had been (Steve has to calculate) almost exactly 169 years since I had died of "consumption." I knew he loved me, because here, you can feel your lover's heart directly. But could he recognize me--and if he did, would he want to be with me, like this? Would he even be able to grasp the idea that it was possible? Because in Western societies, people are indoctrinated with the idea that it isn't. In other societies, and in past societies, not so much.
To expect a "modern" man of the 21st century to consider such a thing, is to hope for the impossible. But since when was Love afraid of the impossible, dears?
So as my name came up in his past-life research, I bent my mind and heart towards him--sending a "heart beacon." Gradually, he was beginning to feel it, to remember me. But the rendezvous was coming up. It didn't look like there was any chance he would respond. Steve thinks he knows these events in a different order--but I am giving it to him, this way. There was a man, a friend (and we are either one or the other, here), who wanted to move our friendship into a sexual, romantic one. We can do that, here. It is not "bumping and grinding" as on earth, but we can be sexual, since sex is mostly a matter of energy. So he wanted that; and seeing that Matt/Steve was ignoring me, he began to play on that. Not in a malicious way, you know, but he was seeing his opportunity. Also, Matt had turned away from me, albeit in ignorance, toward the end of his life. He had been vainly searching for me "in all the wrong places" ever since, you see. But it didn't look like he was going to get the message. And, you see, some of my friends felt more loyalty to me, than they felt for Matt, understandably. They didn't know his heart as I did. (I knew he was just being stupid.)
So, for centuries, I have had this habit. When my man, or the man I want, is moving away from me, I deal with that sharp pain in the heart by making him jealous. I do it back to him--not enough to spoil my chances (as I think), just enough to get his interest in me back. Because I don't feel worthy in myself, you see. That's where it stems from. I don't feel worthy, so to bolster my chances, to get his interest, I try to get him jealous. It's such an old habit, it can even sneak up on me, unawares, here, where normally we are far more self-aware.
So I said "yes"--in anger, and in hope, looking over my shoulder all the way, so-to-speak. Of course Steve couldn't know, so how could he get jealous? Now he can feel when I'm loving a male friend, even though it's platonic! But then, we weren't so closely connected telepathically. So it was all in vain. And when it came to the actual event, I couldn't go through with it. Crestfallen, I just had to tell this fellow, "I still love Matt. I can't be with you."
Steve has felt that I have communicated all this to him over the years--if it seems too fanciful, you can take it as fancy. But it is all too mundane, you see. (Sigh.)
So what did I do? I saw that Steve was creating sample songs for a friend (a female friend) who wanted them as background music for her self-help CD. Although he isn't a musician, he has enough musical aptitude for something like this, using the computer ("Garage Band" software, on the Mac he had, then). So he's making these slow, other-worldly tunes as samples, and suddenly he feels the inspiration to create one that's totally different from the others. This is a sad, lilting little French-sounding song. Where did it come from? He didn't pause to think--but I had given it to him, unawares. It was better than the others, naturally ;-).
So his friend rejected all the other songs, but she liked this one. She wanted to slow it down and simplify it, as background music. Suddenly Steve became "hot" and defensive: "No, you can't use that one. It's a message from my soul-mate on the other side!"
Where did that come from??? ;-)
The rest is in our book--he did figure it out, and he tried to make inner contact with me. Sometimes he could feel my presence, and yet for days, not so much, or, not at all. He was wondering--was I rejecting him? Later he came to understand, from the psychic and from me, that there is a barrier that goes up and down according to need, and when it goes up, our contact is cut off at the level of sensed energy. (Always, the telepathic, mental connection is there, once it is established.)
This is the song (coming in after the ending of one of Steve's). All my love, all my longing, and all my sadness is packed into this little song. Everything we once were, together..."Don't you remember?"
Now, you do know, don't you, that my father was French, and Steve has found evidence that we spoke primarily French at home. Though it also seems that I did not have an accent! This is from various historical clues. Steve feels I am not telling. The truth is, he would love for me to have had an accent, but I would be embarrassed at it. This may partly be because in my time, French people were shunned. So we are back to the first topic! (Steve wants to bring in that he used to love the few freckles I had on my nose, too, but I don't want to talk about that, either!)
Odd what we hate, that the one who loves us, loves...
So, I had in mind, Steve felt, to go through our psychic reading once again to see how much of it was real. That would be a whole other entry, don't you think? So perhaps we will save it for another time. We still have a week before the anniversary, anyway.
Love to each and all,